No, I won’t be riding the bear in the new Assassin’s Creed DLC

Eivor riding a bear that jumps over a small wall.

This is for illustration purposes ONLY.
Screenshot: Ubisoft / Kotaku

Another Assassin’s Creed Valhalla The DLC means yet another wacky animal mount for my Viking warrior. This time it’s a bear. Once again, Ubisoft tempts me to ride a historically inaccurate giant animal. I firmly said no to the giant wolf in 2020. Earlier this year, I also spent riding the weird and bumpy giant cat which was added with the The wrath of the druids DLC. And now, once again, I have to put my foot down. No Ubisoft, I will not ride the giant bear… eeven though I really want to.

Yesterday, Paris siege, the second major expansion for Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, has been released on all major platforms. It’s good! I liked it a lot, although it has some unfortunate performance issues, with wobbly frame rates and screen tears that sometimes spoil the fun. And like before, after completing the first introductory mission in France, I found myself the new owner of a bear.

Ubisoft is getting old. First a wolf, then a giant cat, now a bear. Do you really think this will work? I’m strong, stupid, and dedicated, even for stupid things like this.

Once again, I’ll let Zack explain why I don’t ride these stupid workhorses. Take it away!

It may sound like a strange line in the sand, but listen to me. The point is, while the franchise has added more mystical and fantasy elements, I’ve always managed to find a way to make it work in my head. Of course, in Assassin’s Creed Odyssey you can fight a minotaur. But maybe it was just a story that was told so much that it became a memory. Remember that the operation of these games goes through the Animus, itself a strange science that is more magical than logical. The Animus uses the DNA of people from the past to present their DNA memories to users. (It doesn’t really make sense.) Memories aren’t perfect. In fact, in the latter game, you can choose between a male or female Eivor as the Animus doesn’t actually know the historical gender of the Eivor. So a myth that someone has heard all their life, something that might have appeared in their dreams, could contaminate their DNA memory.

But a big wolf bear that someone has ridden for years, using it to help fight wars and save people, something thousands of other people have seen, seems too much of a stretch. The Animus might not be perfect, but getting the facts right isn’t too bad.

As always, perfectly said younger me. Good job. I’ll also add that it’s odd how nobody around Eivor reacts to her riding a giant bear or cat. They all just smile or try to kill you like normal. Nobody is going “Hey, look at that incredibly large wolf! That’s not normal! What a world we live in!”

Eivor riding a bear outside in the sunlight.

Screenshot: Ubisoft / Kotaku

Of course at this point, after playing the game for over 120 hours, I’m running around with Thor’s hammer and Excalibur. Plus I’m able to use magical abilities that let me slow time or heal on the fly. So it’s probably weird nobody yells about any of that stuff either, but let’s not try to poke holes in my weird hangup, especially not now. It’s far too late for that.

But if I have to be honest with you dear reader, I’m starting to feel like I’m missing out. I see all these people out there riding their giant, non-sensical animals and they are having fun. I too wish to have fun. I deserve a good t—

NO! I’m not going to break. Not yet. You almost had me, Ubisoft and Assassin’s Creed. Although with news that the publisher plans to support Valhalla with more DLC next year, it is likely that my struggle to never ride these unusual mounts is not over yet.

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