In a new viral post, the internet is defending a woman that has been called “toxic” by her husband after she said “no” to him multiple times in one day.
Published to Reddit’s infamous r/AmITheA**hole forum, a woman under the username u/Consciously_Annoying took her story to the “AITA” page for the community to comment their opinions to let her know if she was in the wrong. The viral post has 7,000 upvotes and 800 comments.
The Redditor begins her story by explaining that she and her husband have been married for six years. Within four years, they’ve had three kids and she wrote that she’s exhausted. She spoke highly of her husband, however, she is getting tired of the way he’s been acting recently.
She wrote, “On my husbands day off he wanted to stay home and rest so I went grocery shopping, came home, put all the groceries away, cleaned the house(he did clean our room), prepare everything for our son’s birthday party the next day and made dinner.
“Once dinner was over, I started tidying up and he got down on the floor to stretch out a pain in his back. I tossed him a paper towel and said ‘Why don’t you wipe up that spill while you are down there?’ Passively and light hearted. I would have to be on the floor to clean it myself so it made sense to me to ask him while he was already on the floor,” she continued.
He told her “no” and walked away from the mess. She grew frustrated as this happened more over the span of a few days. She stood up for herself, telling her husband that it was “rude and disrespectful” to not help her with simple chores.
“Did you seriously just tell me I can’t say no? I am a grown man. I don’t need to explain things to you. You can tell me no, I can tell you no,” he spat.
She responded that she couldn’t say no to him as he would be upset with her. She explained to him that she wishes they could handle things “as a team” and he could say no if he was busy or that he would get to it later.
She explained, “It really bothered me that he said I could tell him no any time, as that has never been true in our relationship. So I tested it out. All day Saturday I tried telling him no about little things. Will you make that appointment for me? No. Will you go get me a trash bag? No. Will you grab me some lunch? No.”
“I didn’t put my foot down on any of it, I just started with a no and would go to walk away and he would either reason with me, convince me, or get frustrated with me each time and each time I would end up doing it. Like I always have. The next morning he asked me to do something and I put my foot down and said I didn’t want to do it and he would have to. He got really upset and asked why I was being so difficult so I told him this,” she continued.
She told him no 11 times in one day and she said he didn’t accept her “no” once and got upset with her. He was mad that she kept track of all the times she said no and that it was “toxic” as she would’ve gotten mad if he was the one keeping track.
She clarifies how upset she is that she believes he can say “no” and walk away from the mess and she has to be the one to clean it up as she doesn’t want her kids to live with the mess.
Do you believe that you are in a relationship with a narcissist? There are many signs that you should be on the lookout for. According to PsychCentral.com, some warning signs are talking only about themselves, seeking praise, they will only giving if it means they will get something in return and high amounts of jealousy.
Redditors were quick to comment in defense of the original poster (OP).
U/bobbycw received the top comment with over 16,000 upvotes, “I strongly suspect that you are married to a narcissist. Because here’s what happened: You went to him with ironclad proof. But are you guys talking about his behavior? No, instead you’re talking about YOUR behavior.
“The best defense is the good offense. You gave him proof and he came back with his own gaslighting accusation and now that’s what you guys are busy talking about. In the meantime, his double standard isn’t being discussed. This is what narcs do,” they continued.
“[Not the A**hole]. He’s playing a child’s game and you were just playing by his rules. It’s not your fault he can’t keep to his word,” u/Alarmed-Metal5891 wrote.
“[Not the A**hole], but I think this whole ‘no’ conversation is taking away from the actual problem. You’re wanting your husband to be more of a team player and do more around the house, hopefully without you having to ask. It seems you both want more of an actual partnership. Forget the no’s and talk things out more fully,” u/Little-Aardvark3540 explained.
U/telepathicathena exclaimed, “[Not the A**hole] and he’s using the classic DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. You’re the victim here, he’s the offender, yet he’s arguing about your actions and not his unacceptable treatment of you.”
In a recent update to the post, the OP explains where they are at. She explains that she had a discussion with him, stating that what she did was “childish” and wouldn’t do it again. However, she didn’t like the way he was treating her. He admitted that he was “depressed and disappointed in his own behavior” as his father was a narcissist and he grew up in a “toxic” environment.
He said he thought his behavior was right because of what he had seen growing up. He wants to work on his behavior as she explained to him that when she asks him to do something, he doesn’t make it sound like a burden and talks to her with respect. She says it was a great conversation.
She also writes that they are going to therapy.