The internet is debating which half of a couple is right in the case of a man who delayed his wedding so his son could get months of medical treatment—without telling his fiancée.
The man’s fiancée, u/throwaway13367115, shared her side of the story to the popular Reddit forum r/AmITheA**hole. She earned over 4,100 upvotes and 1,500 comments for her post “[Am I The A**hole] for flipping out upon finding out that my Fiance changed our wedding date?”
She says that she and “Caleb” are getting married soon. However, Caleb’s 13-year-old was recently diagnosed with a condition she says will “require months of treatment,” starting next month. Though they’d already picked a date—a date the original poster (OP) says is significant to her—she found out from one of Caleb’s friends that he had decided to change it.
Caleb confirmed his intentions, saying that he wanted to focus on his son’s recovery and wanted him to be “healthy and happy” at the wedding. In addition, he was worried about exposing his son to a large crowd during his recovery out of fear he could contract a disease while his immune system is compromised.
“I felt upset and couldn’t help but start arguing with him and objecting to this decision. He argued that I’m being selfish and short sighted and that I clearly don’t care about his son like I say I do. I told him he was being unfair and treating me as if I’m happy with these unfortunate circumstances although me and my family have been more than supportive. He told me that if what I’m saying is true then I should be on [board] with this decision,” u/throwaway13367115 wrote.
She pointed out that planning a wedding is a lot of work, and she’ll have to look for a new venue and change her arrangements. He fired back that the wedding was “more important for me than my stepson’s health.” She argued his son could still go while receiving treatments, but Caleb said no.
“His family think he’s being reasonable and there’s no need to rush but I feel like my opinions and thoughts were stomped on and ignored because he knows I have a specific date on mind that is special to me and if I agree to postpone then I won’t get the same date unless I wait another year,” she wrote.
Though rescheduling a wedding can be a massive undertaking, it can be done. Brides magazine is one of many outlets that offers a step-by-step guide. The first step, the magazine says, is to check with the wedding’s insurer. Wedding insurance is useful to cover any mishaps or trouble with a wedding, and Brides says it’s a must-have. It’s also important to look over contracts to see what the cancellation or rescheduling policy is for various vendors.
Brides adds that it’s important to not just inform the guests, of course, but to work with the vendors to make the change as painless as possible—even though that does not necessarily mean it will be pain-free. It’s also important to pay it forward—be sure to recommend any vendors who were particularly accommodating, and leave them positive reviews on rating sites like Yelp.
The internet was divided over the story, with many deeming the OP as unreasonable, but others pointed out that Caleb shouldn’t have unilaterally made the decision, leaving it to his friends to tell his wife-to-be.
“[Everyone Sucks Here] His child is seriously sick and should be a priority. But just changing the date, telling people and not even tell you is also an ahole move,” u/CakeEatingRabbit wrote in the top-rated comment with 17,500 upvotes. “But op – you are [definitely] more wrong”.
“That’s what bothers me the most. He changed the date without even discussing it first with the bride. Sure, is is worried and stressed out but I see it [as a] huge red flag that he did this behind her back,” u/me0mio added. “OP. You should use this extra time to really think about your relationship and tell him that the real problem is that he changed the date without telling you or asking for your input. Wanting to change the date was not unreasonable in this situation but doing without your knowledge was unacceptable.”
“OPs comments are all in future tense. She says he wants to change the date, not that he has. [You’re the A**hole]. You’ve reinvented the term bridezilla OP,” u/emmanuelmtz04 wrote.
“Exactly. OP is clearly [the a**hole] for prioritizing her wedding over his sick child. The only thing wrong he did was to not tell her directly and immediately, but that’s enough to pull it to [Everyone Sucks Here],” u/AdHistorical7082 wrote.
“So… this happened in my family. Not long after my mother and stepfather got engaged, my brother was diagnosed with something extremely serious. My mother’s first reaction was to call off the wedding, but my step-father pushed to keep the date they had set, citing the cost and complications with moving the date,” u/kcunning shared.
“My brother died not long after the wedding. Their marriage was a miserable one, as she resented him for insisting that she split her attention during what ended up being her son’s last months on earth,” they continued. “Yes, he should have told you about the date first. There’s a certain madness in a parent when their child is sick and there is any percentage of it not turning out okay. I imagine that he’s honestly not thinking straight about anything outside of getting his child better.
“In a way, though, this gives you a chance to have some grace. Say you were taken by surprise by the change and how you learned about it. Cancel all the reservations. Put off the wedding until his son is better. If there’s a reason you two need to be legally wed sooner, do it privately. Don’t let your marriage (which is the important thing) start off poisoned,” they concluded.
Newsweek reached out to u/throwaway13367115 for comment.