A bride-to-be has received support for uninviting her adoptive parents from her wedding, in favor of her biological parents who gave her up.
The woman shared her decision on Reddit’s popular Am I The A**hole forum, under username Opening_Ad7405, as the 30-year-old revealed she was tying the knot in May.
She explained she was given up as a baby and her adoptive parents, now in their 50s, did their best to raise her, as she said: “We always had a good relationship and I obviously love them.”
But when she was 23 she decided to look for her real parents, and discovered they were only 14 years old when they had her.
The bride-to-be wrote: “They are still together and they have two more children. They said they wanted to keep me but they couldn’t raise me so they decided to put me up for adoption.
“The thing that really hurt me was that in my childhood and teenage years they tried to contact my adoptive parents and have a relationship with me, but my adoptive parents refused.”
Upon learning they tried to reach out, she confronted the parents who raised her, they confessed it was because “they were afraid that I might prefer my biological parents,” so they tried to keep a distance.
She continued: “I was hurt and disappointed and decided to go low contact. Over the years we managed to build a better relationship but it’s not like before.”
As her wedding neared, she decided to ask her biological dad to walk her down the aisle, which crushed her adoptive parents.
“When my adoptive parents learned it they were hurt and said that their worst fear had come to reality and if I insist to put my biological parents before them then I shouldn’t invite them to the wedding.
“My answer was that they are not invited then,” she wrote, claiming her adoptive family had branded her an “A**hole” over the decision.
In an edit, she claims she tried to compromise by suggesting both men walk her down the aisle.
But she added: “My adoptive parents refused because they say that they did all the hard work and they shouldn’t have to share this spot. I told them that I will give them a couple of days to think about it.”
The post, shared on Saturday, has amassed over 10,000 upvotes and comments.
Many thought the adoptive parents should have told her about her family’s desire to get in touch, and passed on details, once she turned 18.
Neurotic_Bakeder wrote: “Exactly, but I’m saying that she did turn 18, and they still didn’t tell her. Specifically out of their own fear for themselves, not a desire to protect her.”
Rose_daughter commented: “I mean, the only reason they gave her was that they were scared that she would like bio parents more than them. That seems selfish imo. If they had told her that they were worried for her safety or that her bio parents had been dangerous, I would agree with you.”
Sbgonebroke pointed out: “That’s true, she had to hunt at 23 to find them, a whole five years they could’ve tried anything, even something small. My guess is the longer they kept delaying the inevitable, the more assholey they had looked .”
Colsonmorrow wrote: “I swear no one read her entire story like seriously her adoptive parents were the ones that cut old contact from her biological family for what sounds like selfish reasons.
“She’s not shunning them for how she was parented or whatever. They’re being selfish and trying to force her to choose them over her bio parents. And anyone that gives an ultimatum should immediately lose it IMO.”
But NoAcanthocephala2727 thought: “Read the update. Adoptive parents said they didn’t do the hard work so just to share the spotlight. Adoptive parents are the AH and op is NTA.”
And United_Blueberry_311 pointed out: “They were teenagers who couldn’t take care of an infant and tried to give her a better life. In what reality is that “giving up”?”
Although Neuroticgooner added: “I think they made a mistake she had every right to be angry about but her reaction to the mistake just shows her to be very unforgiving and dismissive.”
With many parents divorced, often brides and grooms have to navigate step-parents, rather than adopted one.
Tackling the subject, British etiquette coach, William Hanson, told wedding website Hitched: “It really should be the biological father who walks the bride down the aisle, if the biological father is still alive and relations are good.
“The stepfather can be involved by perhaps making the father of the bride’s speech at the reception. Having the stepfather escort the bride in the car is fine but it isn’t a very visible role for the guests and so the stepfather may be a little put out about it.”
He advised talking it through with all parties ahead of the reception, but noted: “Parents—biological and step—should remember that the day is not about them and their egos, it is about the bride and groom.”
news week reached out to Opening_Ad7405 for comment.